The Future is Hard to Plan

Last semester I was majoring in Biology at a university. I guess you could say shit hit the fan, and I ended up dropping out. Being a biology major is so difficult. It was my first semester of freshman year, and I was taking high level biology AND chemistry courses. Easy to say, I didn’t do so hot. Now I’m living back home with my mother, and I’m learning how to be not only a functional adult, but a sane human.

So, how did I get to this point of failure? Well, I’m a cocaine addict. As the great Rick James once said, “Cocaine’s a helluva drug.” Throughout the semester my addiction kept progressing, and my classes started to get pushed to the side. My biggest priority was getting my next fix, or crying cause I ran out of blow… and money for blow. I didn’t want to be a druggy for life. I know I”m smart. I know I’m a good person. I didn’t want to lie and cheat and steal and use people, or be used by people anymore. I had enough. I quit.

Feelings that follow a relapse are so much worse than the cravings you had before the relapse. The guilt and disappointment you feel is one of the deepest pains I’ve ever felt. I remember the last time I relapsed, the last time I did coke, I was alone in my dorm room with all the lights off at 4am. Every time I lowered my head to the lines below me, I would feel more tears stream down my cheek.

Bet you didn’t think people would ever cry while doing cocaine.

I called my mom the week after my last relapse and told her I was withdrawing from school. She didn’t want to support me, but she knew she had to. So, I withdrew and moved back home.

Now, I’m enrolled at a small community college and I have all A’s. I have 111 days clean and sober. And I STILL have no idea what I want to major in when I go back to my old university in the fall.

Today, I went to the Career Center at my university, and had this big discussion on my future, my goals, my assets, and my defects. I was discouraged to continue down the Biology path, because of how poorly I did first semester. However, I had a crazy rough first semester, and now I truly want to succeed.

In the end, I decided to stick with being a Biology Major. The health and medical field is where my passion is, so I can do it if I want it bad enough. I know the work will be worth it in the end, so it’s worth trying.

Wish me luck, fellow bloggers.

With Love,

RaeRae

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